Fear is a friend, we met long ago or do I say at birth. He’s been there every step of the way. Sometimes, I think we met when I was grown but he knows me all too well and it can’t be. I’d tell you more about him but he isn’t a good friend so I better not.
You would soon shout God forbid but he’s your friend too. He’s also known as Scare, maybe that’s why he named his child scar. Funny enough after Fear makes you to not do what you want to, his child (scar) stays with you for a long time. If he was visible we probably would have him incarcerated but unfortunately he’s a latent being.
Before I continue how does one have a child without a female being? He’s spouse is named Regret. Having their child stay with you automatically brings her to you and boy does she love talking. She talks like an experienced parrot if that’s a thing. One big unhappy family.
When I was little, fear loved coming at the wrong times. When I was alone in the house, at night in the dark, walking on the bridge. I wonder why but that’s his nature. One glance at an air-moving leather on the empty dark road and I’m shaking, gearing up to run. I don’t know if it happened to you but fear did that to many growing up. Let’s not talk about the flying cockroaches ordeal but you know about it, don’t you?
Then I grew up and thought maybe he was just those weird friends you have as a kid but I was wrong. See our milestones together or rather he’s milestones.
I’m quite intelligent one way or another, fun and have lots of light inside of me but you see fear tells me every time how I don’t and can never fit it. So I withdraw or better still pretend. Laugh all you want, something tells me you can relate too.
My mind is a gold mine, always thinking of ways to be successful. Fear is a stalker, believe me, because he sends his daughter anytime I think I’m gonna try to implement my thoughts. She comes subtly to ask “What if you fail?” Her words are invisible scars that leave me in a terrible state and I’m conflicted not knowing whether she’s wrong or right.
If I took the steps I thought to take maybe I would have been certain of what my tomorrow would look like but you know what she said to me and I’m scared of my future. Not knowing if everything would crumble or if things would change are matters I do not know.
I’ve been called worthless, slut, incompetent, unworthy, and below standard by people I love. I know what you’re thinking. “Why am I still holding on to them?” Simple, they are all I’ve got and fear told me “Life would be terrible without them”. So, I’m not sure I have a choice than to hold on. I’ve visited the hospital for bruises countless times but I’m also afraid if I leave them, I and fear would become too intimate.
The Fear family has been up in my case for such a long time that airing my opinion and thoughts are such a bad idea. I’m always afraid people would laugh at me and criticize me so I rather not stand up in public to challenge anyone or give my counsel so they don’t think I’m weird.
I really don’t know how to explain how scared I am of getting hurt. I avoid making and meeting too many new friends so they don’t hurt me. Even though I know I’m missing out but I can’t explain this.
Fear and I have a long history and all left me in misery and emotional trauma. Physically, I am fine. But, mentally and emotionally? Quite terrible. This went on for a while with the little flicker of light in me fading out. I thought Fear’s wife, Regret would never show up but then she did and her words pricked me hard.
She spoke on all the things her husband made me not do and said it quite calmly. I thought she was being nice then as the days went by I realized she was a bigger tyrant than her husband, Fear. So their kid, Scar, spoke to me one day “Why do you allow us to stay with you all the time?” I wondered at her question even though she was all over my body because she’s all scars obviously.
I pondered on the word ‘allow’, how it’s a word depicting choice. It became clear to me that I have a choice!! A choice between what or who? A choice to either allow the presence of fear prevents me from doing things I want/need to do and regret them later or do things I want/need to do despite the presence of fear and not regret them. Fear is like a roaring lion without teeth and claws, only barking.
Turns out fear was created by my mind and it was just a choice. Don’t get me wrong, the danger is real but fear is a choice. To not allow fear to rule your life is of utmost essence. To go to the grave without regrets of what you should/could have done is of unprecedented importance. I hope you realize today that you don’t have to allow fear to choose for you, you are strong. And Fear? He is not real.